Trip to Baja
The leaders of our trip to Mexico encouraged us to "write a little about our trip"--no further guidance. One of the things that initially motivated us to go on this trip was the fact that we could do it as a family. I believe there were some family specific things that took place during those four days, though I'm convinced that what God was able to do in each of our lives was more crucial. I started to put together some words to capture a little of my experience; if you're interested, keep reading (sorry, it's not in iambic pentameter).
The four days or so I was there I found it difficult to define myself by what I did, what I had, or my reputation. The more I tried to evaluate the trip in terms of what I accomplished, the extent to which I 'enjoyed' myself, or how I would be remembered by those I met (which is the usual context of how I ascertain the extent to which my conduct is acceptable), the more paradoxical my 'normal' behavioral model became. I began to realize that the habits and routines to which I concede freedom and spontanaety impart an un-natural sense of comfort--and that the multitudinous tasks in which I engage daily to achieve a sense of self worth probably do more to mar the image of who I should be becoming than reflect that image.
My perspective was that the cup of fru-fru coffee, hot water shower, freeway commute in personally-owned motorized climate-controlled conveyance, uniform respect recieved and shared with co-workers, and the belief that I was at least giving my best effort--to the extent that I had (or didn't have) these every day in my life was the extent to which I could gage the general 'happiness' of my life. Engaging in some non-narcissistic activity in another country with some folks from my church seemed like it should be a natural extention of this 'happy' life. However, I suddenly felt that I had the substance of tracing paper when confronted with the question of what motivated me to sign up for the trip. An initial response (automatic or impulsive?) was, "Because it's the right thing to do." Mmmm. That answer truly comforted me about as much as a cup of fru-fru coffee truly comforts me. And though the "why must I do..." of my choices had hitherto seemed to be secondary to the "what must I do..," I had this avalanching sense that I'd been asking these questions in the reverse order for so long that perhaps my perspective was not redeemable.
Well, in the fellowship of God's people, and uneasily resigned to answer the "why" question with God's grace extended towards me in the form of obedience, I am a little more entrenched on the road that sojourns towards transformation because God gave me the courage to acknowledge the practical transparency of my non-Kingdom value set. Along the way, a sliver of joy shone through a slightly cracked barricade to my heart that I suspect is comprised mostly of pride and selfishness. Now, looking back, what I yearn for is more of that joy. It seems ludicrous to contemplate how intoxicating that sliver was and is, and how mercifully it was bestowed on such dubious conviction--compared to the comfort and general 'happiness' that seemed to compel me on the trip before I actually went on it. The more important aspects of this trip to me are now vested in who I went with, who I met there, and Who asked me to go (He was there the whole trip as well, of course). I'm inclined to believe that I have already experienced a little Eternity through God's invitation to live in His Kingdom...
Semper Fi, JarHedJon
The four days or so I was there I found it difficult to define myself by what I did, what I had, or my reputation. The more I tried to evaluate the trip in terms of what I accomplished, the extent to which I 'enjoyed' myself, or how I would be remembered by those I met (which is the usual context of how I ascertain the extent to which my conduct is acceptable), the more paradoxical my 'normal' behavioral model became. I began to realize that the habits and routines to which I concede freedom and spontanaety impart an un-natural sense of comfort--and that the multitudinous tasks in which I engage daily to achieve a sense of self worth probably do more to mar the image of who I should be becoming than reflect that image.
My perspective was that the cup of fru-fru coffee, hot water shower, freeway commute in personally-owned motorized climate-controlled conveyance, uniform respect recieved and shared with co-workers, and the belief that I was at least giving my best effort--to the extent that I had (or didn't have) these every day in my life was the extent to which I could gage the general 'happiness' of my life. Engaging in some non-narcissistic activity in another country with some folks from my church seemed like it should be a natural extention of this 'happy' life. However, I suddenly felt that I had the substance of tracing paper when confronted with the question of what motivated me to sign up for the trip. An initial response (automatic or impulsive?) was, "Because it's the right thing to do." Mmmm. That answer truly comforted me about as much as a cup of fru-fru coffee truly comforts me. And though the "why must I do..." of my choices had hitherto seemed to be secondary to the "what must I do..," I had this avalanching sense that I'd been asking these questions in the reverse order for so long that perhaps my perspective was not redeemable.
Well, in the fellowship of God's people, and uneasily resigned to answer the "why" question with God's grace extended towards me in the form of obedience, I am a little more entrenched on the road that sojourns towards transformation because God gave me the courage to acknowledge the practical transparency of my non-Kingdom value set. Along the way, a sliver of joy shone through a slightly cracked barricade to my heart that I suspect is comprised mostly of pride and selfishness. Now, looking back, what I yearn for is more of that joy. It seems ludicrous to contemplate how intoxicating that sliver was and is, and how mercifully it was bestowed on such dubious conviction--compared to the comfort and general 'happiness' that seemed to compel me on the trip before I actually went on it. The more important aspects of this trip to me are now vested in who I went with, who I met there, and Who asked me to go (He was there the whole trip as well, of course). I'm inclined to believe that I have already experienced a little Eternity through God's invitation to live in His Kingdom...
Semper Fi, JarHedJon
posted by JarHedJon | 8:47 PM
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