Running on MT
I don’t know what phase of the ‘separation’ process I’m in as a result of this deployment, but whatever phase it is, take it from me, it is not a fun place to be. It does not help that I’m getting over this cold/flu thing (thanks for your prayers and Sheryl’s blog post, I am doing much better today), but that aside, I feel lethargic, I lack motivation, the next 11 months seem like a LONG time, and life seems like drudgery. I’ve had days like this before this deployment, but these days were accompanied with a present expectation that whatever factors were causing the BLAH would soon change. This expectation worked to produce HOPE, which not only changed my perspective; it also worked to change my attitudes and behavior within the less-than-idyllic circumstances. Despite all the positive things that are IN FACT blessings in my life (significantly detailed, in fact, in earlier entries in THIS blog), the factor that is causing this particular BLAH seems to be consistently blocking the initiation of the present expectation, which predictably short-circuits the conditions which precipitate hope.
Writing/reading that first paragraph was threatening to the Independent, Self Sufficient Jar Head (albeit REMF) that I am (most of the time) convinced that I am. I have to reassure this aspect of myself that it is still intact, as capable as always. I have to acknowledge that there is room for competency and engagement (even joy?) in the midst of BLAH, that the two can co-exist. This is tough for me to do, as I do not even prefer multi-tasking in the physical realm, let alone the emotional… hmm, better not say ‘realm’ here, as that implies some structure and rules, let’s just say ‘area’. That’s probably a safer word than ‘slurry,’ which is a little closer to how it feels. Anyway, I received the 2nd post card from my son today, and even that made me sad—that I wouldn’t see him for so long, that… well, better stop now, this list could go on for a long time, and I haven’t even mentioned Sheryl yet… You get the drift (sorry, Joshua, it’s a snowless drift).
Semper Fi, Jon G.
posted by JarHedJon | 9:22 AM
2 Comments:
Helen: thanks for your words, they really ARE encouraging to me. The intensity with which I feel my separation from Sheryl and Joshua varies proportionately to how industriously, manically, and uselessly I throw myself into my work. I know you've been there when Joe's been gone.
Semper Fi, Jon G.
Dad: I appreciate the fact that the Silver lining exists, I know of its potential and presence, but I can't see it yet... One cool thing is that my vows to Sheryl were given before God, trusting in Him to enable me in the fulfillment of them. I can trust in His Grace and power to bring glory to Himself through our union, even though we're apart.
Semper Fi, Jon G.
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